Study #8: Healing the Hurt

Genesis 4:1-9
Now the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have produced a man with the help of the Lord.” Next she bore his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain a tiller of the ground. ^2
3 
In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of his flock, their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell. ^45
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The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.” ^7
8 
Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let us go out to the field.” And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and killed him.
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Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” He said, “I do not know; am I my brother’s keeper?”

Addiction affects the entire family. Though one or more family members may participate in addictive behaviors, non-using members suffer consequences due to poor choices and, sometimes, criminal activity of those with the disease of addiction. This became my own reality when my addiction to rage and alcohol
destroyed my first marriage.

Negative behaviors and poor choices made by the addict generate powerful emotions in the addicted person, family members, employers, and coworkers. The hurts increase with each loss—marriage, jobs, parental rights, incarceration, etc. One of the best examples of emotionally laden familial conflict is expressed in the story of Cain and Abel.

The story demonstrates the hard feelings that can spring up between siblings. Similar hurts occur when addiction stresses or fractures relationships between parents and children, employers and employees, spouses, neighbors, and coworkers. Disappointment, frustration, and broken promises abound!

As the disease evolves and the addict’s life becomes more unmanageable, intense pressure builds to explain behaviors. Consequently, addicts isolate themselves, blame others, attempt to avoid responsibility, and spend more time directly involved in obtaining and using their “drug of choice”—whether alcohol, illicit drugs, overeating, internet pornography, work, or other potentially fatal activities.

In spite of the divisive nature of addictive behaviors, healing of the hurts can be achieve through the “12 Steps.” The first step is to “admit we are powerless over the addiction and our lives have become unmanageable.” Second, “we have come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.” And, third, “we make a decision to turn our lives and our will over to God.” These first three of the 12 Steps lay the foundation upon which we build a healthier life.

Although we can’t control addicts, we can make healthy choices for ourselves. Starting the healing process can only come from an active relationship with God. Over time, we accept that we can’t stop the downward spiral of pain and suffering in addicts, and realize we don’t have to agree with their behaviors. Such acceptance and realization empowers us to remain in relationship with addicts, while disconnecting from their lifestyle and negative consequences in our lives.

Just as addicts must enter “treatment” to find recovery, we enter treatment to release addict and regain manageability of our own lives. We learn to make positive choices and set boundaries that protect us from the addicts’ behaviors.

We must become completely honest with ourselves open minded. Close friends, fellow believers, coworkers, and others can offer “input” to help us understand some of the self-defeating behaviors we developed that may have actually contributed to the addict’s behaviors. We need to be willing to do whatever it takes to become healthy in our spiritual and emotional lives. Through the sanctifying grace of God, we can be
empowered to become whole, if we will surrender and act upon the directives we discover.

While time may heal many things, healing the hurts of addiction demands action, as well as time. The changes we desire both in our loved ones and in our own lives will not come easily or swiftly. Sadly, for some addicts, the change may not come at all. Commitment to the process, support from loving friends, and the anointing of the Holy Spirit will, however, bring us amazing results. Don’t give up before the “miracle” happens!

Questions for Reflection and Discussion

• How do you really feel toward the addict?
• How do you really feel toward yourself? Toward God?
• How might you have enabled the addict in your life?
• What goal or goals can you set today that will move
you toward willingness?

Fred A. Goodwin, USA